HPZ
by sirius the homicidal maniac
Summary: Believe it or not, this ISN'T a result of me crossed with caffeine or sugar of some kind, and I'm not warning you not to read it, either. If i didn't want you to read it, I wouldn't have put it here. But it is a bit odd...slightly.


HARRY POTTER Z! YAY!  
  
Once there were two universes: the magical Harry Potter universe and the really weird mortals-are-stronger-than-gods-and-people-with-purple- black-sticky-up-hair-people-with-tails-and-no-noses-6-dots-on-their-heads- robots-that-are-human-with-numbers-for-names-bald-green-people-blue-people- antennae-and-pointy-ears-really-big-eyes-orange-balls-with-dragons-coming- out-of-them-and-the-hero-practically-can't-spell-his-own-frickin'-name Z universe. So one day the two universes' orbit came really close and this really weird thing happened. Yes, apparently the two universes fused, creating this weird thing. All of the inhabitants of the two universes fused with the inhabitants of the other, creating this really weird fusion universe...thing. And so all of the characters of both universes that we know and sometimes love have been horribly messed up. I just have to get this out. It's haunting my head because it's so empty. So I recreated some of the scenes I find interesting (you may not, I don't care) from the Harry Potter books completely and creatively dubbed it Harry Potter Z. Here's all of the HP/DBZ fusions (as a side note, some of these characters may never appear in a story, they just sounded very cool at the time. But at least you know they're there. Oh yeah, and I don't actually know how to spell Chaotzu, it seems there are so many different spellings, and I think I actually created a method of my own, I can't be sure.):  
  
Gohan/Harry: Garry  
Vegeta/Snape: Prof. Snapeta  
Krillin/Neville: Kreville  
Trunks/Draco: Traco  
Puar/McGonnagal: Prof. PuarGonnagal  
Yamcha/Lupin: Lupcha  
Chaotzu/Pettigrew: Chaottigrew  
Chaotzu/Scabbers: Chaotzers  
Piccolo/Sirius: Siccolo  
Kakarot/James: Jamesarot  
Chichi/Lily: ChiLy  
Goten/Colin Creevy: Golin Greevy  
Tien/Voldemort: Tiendemort  
Frieza/Fred: Frieda  
Cell/George: Ceorge  
Dende/Ron: Ronde  
Bulma/Hermione: Bulmione  
Baba/Trelawney: Prof. Babawney  
Roshi/Dumbledore: Prof. Roshidore  
Videl/Ginny: Gidel  
Fat Buu/Dudley: Majin Dudley  
Evil Buu/Petunia: Majin Petunia  
Super Buu/Vernon: Majin Vernon  
Korin/Mrs. Norris: Norin  
Bee/Fang: Beeng  
Kami/Hagrid: Hagri  
Scratch/Crookshanks: Scratshanks  
Spopovitch/Crabbe: Crabbovitch  
Yamma/Goyle: Goyamma  
Launch/Lavender/Parvati: Launchender (good one)/Parvaunch (evil one)  
Pegasus/Lucius: Pegasucius (Pegasus as in Yu-Gi-Oh. He just looks like he could play the part perfectly, don't you think so?)  
Sparring/Quidditch: Sparritch  
Yajirobe/Filch: Filcharobe  
Turtle/Fawkes: Tawkes the Turtle  
Mr. Popo/Aragog: Mr. Aragog  
Mr. Popo's butterflies/Giant spiders: The Butterflies  
Z Sword/Gryffindor Sword: Gryffindor Z Sword  
Tree of Might/Whomping Willow: Tree of Whomp  
  
CHAPTER 3: WHAT REALLY HAPPENED AT GODRIC'S HOLLOW!!!  
  
Lupcha: Hey... I thought we were starting from chapter 1!  
  
Shut up, Lupcha. It's the Yamcha in you. He's making you stupid. Poor guy...  
  
Lupcha: But--Siccolo isn't here yet! He's out somewhere in his stupid turban-thingummy meditating and--  
  
SILENCE!!!! SICCOLO ISN'T EVEN IN THIS ONE YOU FOOL!!!  
  
Lupcha: eep  
  
Now where's Garry!?  
  
Garry: Over here  
  
*throws shoe at Lupcha* We're starting chapter 3!  
  
Garry: But I thought we were starting from chapter--  
  
Well we're not. OK!?!? Isn't that right, Kamereon my sweet? *casually pats the chameleon on her shoulder. Chameleon catches fly with tongue and smacks lips approvingly* SEE?!?!  
  
Cast: eep  
  
Goood. Now go get Siccolo and tell him that he'll be on in a while. Now BEGIN!  
  
Lupcha: But--  
  
WHAT IS IT NOW, LUPCHA!?!?  
  
Lupcha: I have to go to the bathroom.  
  
You should have gone when we took the bathroom break 10 minutes ago. Now, BEGIN!  
  
As Garry gazed out of his bedroom window he wondered if he'd ever see real food again. If he had to brush his teeth with a Tootsie Roll lollipop again, he'd--do something...really...bad. He sighed.  
  
*begins inner monologue but is interrupted by Lupcha's wails of "I can't hold it!"" and the rest of the cast hushing him threateningly. After Lupcha has been restrained Garry begins monologue again.*  
  
Garry: Ever since I've found out that a green man is my godfather I've been wondering if my parents were completely sane. But from what Lupcha tells me my father was a very stupid man, so it makes sense. And my mother's name was...ChiLy. Dear Kai, I had messed up parents... *aloud* Where is this monologue going?  
  
How am I supposed to know? I didn't write it!  
  
Garry: Then who did?  
  
*silence*  
  
Lupcha: I reeeaaally have to go to the bathroom.  
  
Garry: *sighs*  
  
So that night, after a supper of chocolate cupcakes and saltwater taffee with the Majins, Garry went upstairs and went to sleep. While he was sleeping, he had a flashback dream about when he was a baby and Lord Tiendemort had killed his parents....  
  
Ronde to Lupcha: Try singing a song. That helps sometimes.  
  
Jamesarot was greedily stuffing his face in front of the refrigerator with the door wide open. His wife, ChiLy was huddled on the ragged sofa clutching baby Garry tight in her arms.  
  
"Jamesarot, don't you think you should be a little more worried? I mean...there's an evil tyrant who wants our blood..."  
  
Lupcha: ...I'm a little teapot short and stout, here is my handle here is my spout. When I get all steamed up....  
  
"'M to hngr t' b' wrrd,""Jamesarot dug out a jar of moldy cottage cheese from the back of the refrigerator, and before realizing this, had downed the entire jar in seconds. Suddenly, there was a BOOM coming from outside.  
  
"Jamesarot." ChiLy whispered, petrified."It's Tiendemort!"  
  
"Ch'Ly," Jamesarot yelled over the banging on the door, spraying freezer- burnt blueberry ice cream with macadamia nuts everywhere, never turning his back on the open refrigerator and stuffing his face as though his life were dependent upon it. "Go.Tk Grry 'n go. Gt wy frm hr." ChiLy nodded, though it wouldn't have made a difference. She quickly got up, and with a last look at her beloved husband, who was now cracking raw eggs by fives and pouring their contents into his open mouth, swept out of the room.  
  
Lupcha: *whining* It's not helping.... , The banging on the door grew more and intense until it suddenly flew off of its hinges, and in stepped the second-tallest person in this story. The light in his third eye glinted maliciously as he advanced on the figure hunched over the refrigerator, chuckling mirthlessly. A short fat little balding mime-thing was huddled behind him.  
  
Bulmione: then sing a different song.  
  
"Well, well, well. So we meet again, Jamesarot," Tiendemort hissed, over the continuous noise of Jamesarot's jaw as he chewed noisily, taking another step towards him. "I see you've gone to great lengths to try to hide yourself from me. But to your disadvantage that foolish green thing suggested that you choose my dear servant Chaottigrew as your secret- holder. Isn't that right, Chaottigrew?" Tiendemort purred, motioning to the fat balding mime-thing, who nodded smugly.  
  
All backstage: *singing System of a Down's Aerials* Liiife is a waaterfaaal. We're ooone in the river and oone agaain after the faaaall....  
  
"And so, Jamesarot, we've decided that your brat of a son can't live anymore. He's a nusiance. Just tell me where he is and I might spare you."  
  
Tiendemort then remembered that he could sense power levels, so what he'd just said had been a very stupid thing to suggest. He chuckled to himself." On second thought, I'll kill you anyway. It's just--are you listening to me!?!"" Tiendemort finally noticed that Jamesarot had been stuffing his face the entire time, making strange guttural noises.  
  
Lupcha: Noooo it's not workiiiing...  
  
Jamesarot, who was holding a year-old dill pickles jar, slowly turned from the refrigerator to face Tiendemort, still making absurd sounds with his throat. It was then that Tiendemort realized that his face was blue. "Wha-- whatisa--whoda--are you choking!?!" Tiendemort spluttered. Jamesarot began beating his chest, desperately gasping for air like a fish. "NO! NO! You are NOT supposed to die like this! I am going to kill you! Not a pickle!" Tiendemort started performing the Heimlich Maneuver on the choking Jamesarot, whose face had now turned an alarming shade of deep violet. But no matter how hard they both tried, with Tiendemort squeezing Jamesarot's stomach like mad and the victim himself waving his limbs about uselessly, the pickle simply refused to make an appearance.  
  
Jamesarot's body fell limp in Tiendemort's arms. And the pickle slipped out of his open mouth. It was fairly the size of a small grapefruit. Tiendemort's third eye blinked stupidly as the pickle rolled onto the floor, and he and Chaottigrew stared speechless as it rolled out the door. But there was no doubt that Jamesarot was dead.  
  
"Pig," Tiendemort muttered, before dumping the body of the late Jamesarot onto the floor, and proceeding viciously into the next room.  
  
ChiLy was desperately trying to stuff her endangered son in a drawer when Tiendemort blasted the door open with his finger, the mime-thing scurrying after him, chuckling evilly. ChiLy realized that her efforts were futile, so she grabbed her shrieking son from the drawer and threw herself on the floor, covering her charge with her body. Tiendemort chuckled.  
  
"Well you're not helping!" she yelled at him, annoyed.  
  
"Oh..! sorry...." Tiendemort shuffled his feet on the floor for a moment, then his pale head shot up. "Hey! I'm not supposed to be helping you!" he yelled. "Now! Move aside, silly girl!"  
  
"No!" ChiLy yelled loudly. "You can't hurt my son! I won't let you! He still has a lot of schooling to complete!"  
  
"MOVE ASIDE! I will SPARE YOU if you MOVE!"  
  
"No!" ChiLy cried stubbornly, hugging her shrieking son tight beneath her. Tiendemort shrugged.  
  
"Your funeral," he said as he lifted his finger to blast ChiLy to the next dimension. And he did. Now young Garry was at his disposal.  
  
"So, boy," Tiendemort laughed, picking up the orphan by the back of his shirt with his white thumb and forefinger and bringing him dangling right in front of his evil, grinning mutant face." We finally make an acquaintance."  
  
The child cooed and stared at Tiendemort with glazed baby-eyes as drool trickled down his chubby chin.  
  
"What? You've never seen a third eye before?" Tiendemort said defensively, obviously hurt by the baby's lack of sensitivity. "Oh, well. You're going to die anyway. Goodbye, young Garry." Tiendemort pointed his long slender finger at the victim as a green ball light began to form around it.  
  
The small one-year-old, intrigued by the glaring red orb in the center of this strange man's forehead, did what any child in his position would naturally do. He cooed again, pulled his tiny fist out of his wet, sticky mouth, and reached up to touch it with a slobbery finger.  
  
"Hey," Tiendemort said. "What are you doing? No, you're not supposed to touch that--AAAAAAAAAH! MY EYE! MY EYE! YOU'VE POKED MY THIRD EYE!!!" he shrieked, dropping the baby to clutch his forehead. Garry fell to the floor, landed on his forehead, gaining a large cut on it in the process, and bounced back up again to land on his soft, cushiony diaper filled with fresh new baby defecation at the screaming Tiendemort's feet.  
  
"Master!" Chaottigrew yelled. "My master, are you all right!?!" He rushed forth. "NO YOU IDIOT!" Tiendemort moaned and fell to his knees. "The third eye, the third eye, it's my only weakness, you dolt. REMEMBER!?"  
  
"Oh," Chaottigrew said.  
  
"Ohhh, no, I'm weakening..." Tiendemort began to melt, his meltedness seeping into the floor. Young Garry giggled and began to squeeze the goo in his hands. "No, kid," Tiendemort said weakly. "Don't do that..." The goo bubbled and he was silent. All that remained of Tiendemort was his third eye floating amongst flesh-colored liquid. Chaottigrew panicked and ran away sobbing like a child.  
  
Oblivious to his close brush with a most painful and terrible death, the one living thing in the ruined home yawned, rubbed his eyes, and lay down amongst all that remained of his mother and Tiendemort and soon fell into a peaceful slumber of sorts.  
  
Garry woke up, panting. This was the 32nd time he'd had that dream! Why!?!  
  
Garry: WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!?! *pulling out his messy black hair in despair* Oh, crap, I think I've woken up the Majins! Oh...no, they're asleep. *sighs* they're always asleep. I hate them...but one day I will slay them...Yeah.  
  
END OF CHAPTER 3 


End file.
